Parenthood

I'm the only one that can put my son in his car seat. And I relish in that. Just like I savor the moments when my mother, my mother-in-law and sometimes even my wife can't comfort him. Those times when all he needs is 'daddy.' That probably sounds hateful. Like I actually get great pleasure from that. From the moment he was born I've felt this strange, and complete sense of accomplishment. Which is funny since I know, and am the first to admit that I did nothing. The only pain I endured was the boring baby classes. Well, there was delivery day, when I lost all rights and privileges to my left hand and was forced to rub her back constantly for 4 hours. That was the extent of my "labor." And having a kid is seriously the best thing to ever happen to my self esteem and my ego. Really.

I imagine that it must feel this way. I mean, there is a lot a stake. For the next 6 months and more I'll be consumed with his development, praying that every day is more enriching than the last. Soon my thoughts will turn toward pre-school and primary school hoping that I make all the right decisions to propel my son to academic excellence. There is a lot riding on this. I'm freaking out. The point was that this kid thing is such an ego booster. Quite literally, I feel like my job here on earth is done. Sort of a dangerous thought I suppose. My thought, though, is once he's walking and talking and one step closer to walking out of my house my sense of purpose will return, for now I'm focused on his every need and not much else matters.

But then there's all these conflicting ideas. On the one hand there is this immense feeling of completion, and on the other there's an immense inadequecy. I can't feed him. In some of these pregnancy books for guys they talk about jealousy and "post-partum" for guys. I think that's wack but it's quite a blow to my manhood that there are some things that I just can't provide. Here I am, supposed to be the 'provider' (not to be confused with 'the decider') and I can't even feed him. I know this will all change as he starts to eat food actually hunted and gathered as opposed to ... secreted (eww, lol) but still I wonder what I'll feel then...